You don't wanna know what I'm thinking

Adventures of a Lady

It's like every few months I decide to update in here
Longform blogging, I don't think I miss it anymore. I've been writing in diaries, journals and blogs since I was 7. Now I miniblog and instagram mainly. What's going on with my life? Do I have to re-cap? I'm working but not getting paid enough. I'm living but with my head above water. I'm loving but I keep glancing over my shoulder. Call it paranoia I guess. Life is stranger and stranger the older I get. I feel envious that others have better memories than I do. I think over time forgetting and mentally blocking things have become a defense mechanism. It's no longer voluntary on what I forget and it's kinda sad as I forgot key dates and things I stated. Like I told a certain someone a little over a year ago that I wasn't looking for love. I didn't remember saying it but yet, reading old messages, there it was in black and white. Good thing is that I'm finally finding an outlet that involves solitude and not having to bare my soul. Not having to immediately interact with humans with the hopes they will dig or understand what I'm emoting. I finally find entertainment I identify with that doesn't require me to put my ethnicity in check. And I'm actually purposefully checking the other box in my voluntary info for HR paperwork. Been doing it for a little bit but man, feels good to get out of the box! Oh and here are specifics since the last post is locked: - no longer in the mortgage industry but got a new job within weeks after it was over - no longer living in the D. I'm a suburbanite for the moment, yippee - had the IUD taken out earlier this year. Hadn't been on anything since. Kinda scary but not, I forget I stopped taking BCs. Can't really forget that! Not now at least... - I forgot what else I was going to say

sexually frustrated
I'm horny and I'm holding back. That person isn't interested in sex talk or picture exchanges or skyping after dark. Even if I did initiate those things I might loose my footing, my place in the Madonna/Whore complex. Gotta keep up appearances of being naive, of being sexually green. The sex is great, don't get me wrong, but I crave more. I always crave more. I crave doing it for a couple hours, taking a mini break, going back at it. All. Day. Long.

I crave going to a sex club and being an exhibitionist with a significant other but not sharing each other. The visual is enough of a treat (ok...maybe I am a bit arrogant after all). I crave sex in the rain and under covers and while playing dress up and more and more but I just can't seem to say it or something close to it without the dreadful lol of death. It's like I'm being brushed off, I'm being too silly. If I were to text him that I want to swallow his cum right now you know what he'd do? Laugh out loud. Well not laugh, just type it in with a straight face. Then move on to whatever else he's doing.

I miss fucking. I hate this damn thing in my body because I can feel it poking my uterus every time the sex gets really good. I miss feeling the penis poking my gut instead of this anti sperm contraption. But I can't have it removed because of medical reasons (long story, too long to write plus it'll kill my flow). I miss the real sensation of going hard and staying down for hours because the highness from the weed allowed me to zone out with the penis in my mouth.

But I no longer smoke either. I just wonder if this is what the good girl life really is. I miss being dirty, even if it was to one person. I'm a monogamist dirty person I guess. Whatever. Ugh, guess I'll exercise the sexual frustrations away...

This is a real depressing ass blog

I don't know when the change in me occurred but it did. This blog seems to be full of snapshots of how I used to be before cognitive therapy and realizing life isn't all that bad. I used to be so mean to people because I was miserable with myself and my conditions. Instead of talking about it or letting it all go I lashed out at so many people as a youth and young woman. Wow. Now I see the results. I half want to think karma did come back to me because I didn't know how to handle "problems and obstacles" properly.

Then there's the whole love/baby theme that is a reoccurring theme on this journal. Maybe because I have had this thing for ten years but now I don't even care if I get those things or not. And it's not a feeling of apathy or negativity when i say it doesn't matter and that I don't care. It's a feeling of being free from that mental constraint I had on myself. I am not gonna bullshit around and blame media or blame society for the mental constraint I was in: I will accept responsibility for allowing myself to subscribe to it. Like spam in the inbox, I let it stay and fester. Somewhere along the way, maybe a month or two ago, I unsubscribed. I feel lighter now, less burdened.

I'm not sure if finances was an issue here but it was stated on another journal. That too is an unsubscribed issue as well. Although I would enjoy getting into a car and hanging out and experiencing the richness within city limits, I feel ok if I don't.

If there is a way to apologize to everyone I mistreated I wish I could and that they would accept but I don't blame them. The things said back then were said by a hurt person, someone who hurt themselves and others in the process. At this point there is nothing left to do but pray. Some people cannot be contacted because that was a choice they felt they had to make. All I can do about that is pray that they'll forgive from a distance. And to pray and give thanks that I have entered this stage of awareness in my life and to keep on this path and to get stronger.

I won't be liked by everybody and that too is ok. That doesn't mean I'm subscribing to the "celebrate your haters" email subscription because it has major flaws and hides hurt. I accept it because it is a part of life, just as it is that the seasons change, the tides rise and fall, the sun and moon switch positions in our sky.

I saw flickers of growth every now and then but often they were shadowed by hurt. I'm glad I have transformed and keep reaching towards the light. If anything I would like to be remembered majorly as someone who motivated others towards positivity. But if that doesn't happen. No, it will happen. I'm the captain of my ship, I'm the hero of my soul. Or something like that.

yep, I'm thru!
So I did another online dating thing and it's not working (again)

the only difference is that this time I paid for it. Not a whole lot but enough for folks to know I'm serious. This time I made a list, something I never do. It wasn't a bad list IMO. Plus I threw in some heavy sarcasm. Only a few understood the jokes. One man got very offended cuz he was nowhere near my criteria (age range is a big must for me, which was between 25-34. I can't relate to anyone over 34 all that well. Under 25 I can but in all honesty I'd like to have a drink with someone in public who won't get carded and me thrown in jail for "corruption of a minor")

But everyone is not reading (as I suspected) they are looking at the pictures and throwing random numbers/words/flirts at me.

I also stated I'm not moving out of state for love. A few guys were mad about that. I'm sorry but that's a perfect way to be set up to become someone's prostitute in a foreign country or dead, esp. if you don't know anybody in said country.

But I'd rather take chances and risks in my own state. Maybe I'm just crazy or not dedicated to love enough to go that far out of a limb. I have standards.

A crush on someone that I've buried has resurfaced. I can't tell him, esp. if we start hanging out. Kinda mad I have one because it is an industry person. But he seems to be kinda digging me too. Even from jump but I won't read too much into it as girls tend to do. I want to be bashed over the head with it cuz I'll be so oblivious.

But back to this online dating thing. It's a month subscription. idk what else to ask this online potential. I guess he wants me to pull his teeth and do all the question asking and voluntarily give information, first being my phone number. I should just cut ties cuz he's not being assertive (which was one of my criteria in addition to the age range) Am I asking too much if I ask for a man who has career goals, loves his fam, doesn't have a criminal record, at least a bachelors degree, does not have a ton of children and has never been married, who is currently not married/separated, who's over 5'7" and not over 280 (unless muscular), who doesn't do drugs? I only want someone who's my equal or more. The way it used to be. I'm the same so why is that asking too much? For someone who wants a serious relationship who isn't on the site for casual sex.

Why is it so hard to ask for on this exclusive race website? It's out there.

I guess because I'm asking for that in MI. It's out there alright, out of state that is :-(

The first day, when I didn't realize my settings was for "any state", I got quite a few replies from great guys but they were all out of state. The guys looked good too (don't mean to come off as superficial but yeah, they were easy on the eyes) but they were out of state. Woo woo :-(

So then I limited my search to within the state.

Majority in state who reply are over 40, divorced or "no comment" or 'legally separated', several kids, drink and smoke and want to "kick it". Who refused to state their income, their degree level and their occupation. And look like they are not a year younger than 72 because of their health habits. What they all look for in a woman: someone who is 'drama free' and for a casual relationship (translation: a fuck buddy who doesn't mind being the fuck buddy. whose only job is to be the fuck buddy and nothing more). The men out of state were more specific in what they sought in a woman and who they were as men, wanted long term relationships that lead to marriage as well. I keep wondering if I should go out of state, establish myself career-wise and then find these men to see how legit they really are. So blindly here's the choice: choose between guys wearing suits and looking clean/professional who know what they want and are well spoken versus 40 something year old men who look 72, who wear jerseys, gym shoes and look blowed in all of their pics? (not to mention most of those pics are in front of the airbrushed club/cabaret backgrounds). And not to mention those whose grammar and spelling are so horrible that it makes you wonder if they are Americans or foreigners (even though a lot of foreigners can write and read better English than some Americans).

The choice seems easy if you've already established yourself in another state with people other than these potential mates. (which is similar to job searching here as well.) Do you go for the $40,000/yr. job with full benefits in another state or do you have faith and keep searching amongst temp jobs and minimum wage jobs which you already know have zero potential for growth nor enough stability to keep you remotely happy?

I'm trying to have faith in those my age range in this state and in this city. I know we have an unemployment problem as well but for some reason, with each friend that I see engaged and each new associate who invites me to her wedding in state, I still can't help but to have faith that the one who is the one is still looking. He'll find me and he will say "I've won" because he did.

But until then, I think I'm about to close yet another online dating account and pray they don't bill me for the next month. See if I can get involved with some professional social clubs.

not even on that level so idk, idk, idk! good nighties!

Lebron rant (sick of him already)
it's a small rant, Mitch Albom's musings were very on point (if you hadn't read his editorial please google it) so I'll just say what's burning my biscuits:

1. this teaches the kids squat

2. I hope young kids won't think he made a version of The Bible (King James? Forreal?!?!)

3. I keep wondering what major thing was passed in congress or some other major office that went by smoothly in otherwise turbulent times if it weren't for this weapon of mass distraction

4. he does not pay my bills, I'm not on his payroll, why the fuck should I care where he goes?

5. if he isn't an asset, why is everyone on his nuts? I'm sorry I just don't get it.

I keep writing in lists, I have no idea why.

I want to have a child so I can teach him or her the ways of the ninja or they learn it somehow.

I just don't understand why parents think it's so cute to bring up their child to be a spoiled rotten brat. All that kid will do is become an egotistical adult who'll throw their parents in a nursing home cuz they're "cramping their style"

Keep thinking about the dream of my friend who turned into a minister. Thinking about what he asked days ago. Struck me as odd to why that question was asked.

Oh and I had a funny dream last night:

Dreamed I smoked with Snoop. I was backstage for something and just got done cashing out at some beauty supply in LA. Expensive hair and other necessities I didn't have on hand. Well put the stuff down and ran into Common. He was very down to earth and was talking about something that was hilarious. I can't remember exactly what it was but it was so funny my stomach hurt from laughing. Then Snoop was about to go smoke with some folks. I asked if I could come smoke too. He was surprised that I did smoke and I told him "Besides, smoking with him was like having tea with the Queen of England" and he was laughing (might have already been high, idk). He had some good stuff, one puff and I was pretty high. I was about to tell him about the dream I had of smoking with Kat Williams but decided not to push it (I was still a bit new in that level of the biz). Saw Ice Cube who looked at us smoking and shook his head before he left the green room. Then I remembered I had to get in the chair and get ready. So I left the greenroom and all the shit I bought from that beauty supply was gone. Some bitch stole my hair!!

I just wrote about a bit of things but idk where it went. Those dreams happen every now and then, where things felt real at that time, sensations, the whole bit. What made this one so interesting was that I was about to talk about a dream INSIDE of a dream! I was told perhaps I live in alternate universes in my dreams. But those sometimes feel more like premonition than alternate realities. Because in the alternate reality dreams, some things are where they shouldnt be, such as a railroad track being where a street normally is in real life (while the rest of the area looks pretty much the same). Premonition appears to be a whole different place that is new, never seen but so comfortable. It seemed like it was backstage where an award show was going to be but all those rappers at once, I wonder which show it was for.

I still want my expensive hair back. Can't believe someone would steal weave but then again I didn't lock it up so it was kinda my fault, being down home girl rather than even having an assistant buy and keep it for me lol.

is LJ turning into FB?
I mean seriously, I come back looking for some down home flare and I see a store...for what?

Well, I might be returning here again, I wanted to take a facebook hiatus but I guess folks are jumping on the train to that nowhere. Folks are irritating me on FB. If they're not family, I keep looking at the statuses of most, wondering "why are you here?"

Just asked them. let's see if anyone bothers to answer...I hope it's those I don't specifically know because I have over 1000 friends. Wait, over 2000.

My writing style has changed, probably because I am now accustomed to writing in 140 characters or less. It does keep me on my toes for writing clever quips.


1. I have a play I'm working on that will be produced in Ann Arbor and Detroit in early summer/late spring of next year. Just had second meeting about reviews of my work. Good feedback. Must apply it asap.

2. Working as an assistant teacher for a summer school program. This is with first graders. Inner city kids. Sweet souls but man, the lives they live once they get out of school. I hope they grow up to be strong and logical adults.

3. Love life: Virtually it exists. Physically it does not. I was about to say I virtually have no love life but happy notes and sentiments are sent digitally now. Several potentials but no "twin flame" as of yet, or is it, idk. whatever

4. out of school doing the job thing as best as I can with temp work in Michigan. No I am not interested in your get rich quick programs or your work at home schemes, as these seem to fill up the want ads more than legitimate employment (and even the army posts too)

5. baby fever, I still haz it

6. LOL speak will be the death of English grammar forever. But I love it to an extent

7. Eying the Pulitzer Prize. Not within reach just yet but maybe by my 40s it will be ;-)

8. I'm off birth control for the first time since i was 16. Damn planned parenthood. Long story, even longer rant involving alleged health problems that actually don't exist and the refusal of prescription renewals. But it might be time for me to get off them anyways, as 35 will be here before I know it.

9. Ugh, I'm about to be 30 next year and I still use LJ, whodathunkit?

But I grew up with all of you, my original online friends!!!!

but damn, are we FB friends??? lol. Hoping to keep journaling as I feel like I've lost the art of it. I hadn't really journaled in over a year consistently.

And not to knock the man but here's a fact: Tyler Perry has not won a Pulitzer Prize. So until he has done so, please refrain from calling budding playwrights "The Next Tyler Perry" as he has awards for screenplays, not for stage plays.

But you guys are my LJ friends so I'm sure you don't make that mistake (often if at all).

Writer's Block: Back to the future
I'd be happy because I'm living the dream I secretly wanted to live when I was a kid but lacked the confidence to do it at that moment when I was a kid.

it's been too long
and it might get longer. Heard some BS happened with one of the SUPPOSED TO BE size acceptance fashion groups. But I guess since it's in the name of fashion, they have free reign to discriminate. Whatever.

Life is good. Graduating any day now. The semester been long due to fact that staff took a while to post my grades, thus postponing my graduation application. So that's that.

My show went well. Writing things for an update. Still living downtown in the city. Mom keeps wanting me to move back home because she thinks I can't keep up with the rent. It's just a small hard time at the moment but got a job under my belt to keep things up. Last year I was able to do student loans but since I left school yeah, the economy was supposed to be up and at em this time too but what do we know? lol

Dating hasn't been great but I've kept to myself more and more. Even if it seems remotely asinine I wont talk to a guy. Too many baby daddies in the circuit - especially not the good kind.

Met an older man but he had a 15 year old son. Soooooo not ready to date a man with a kid almost as old as me!

met another guy who seems cool but sometimes seems to put himself in a negative light. And since it's just a friendship level it seems a red flag. Another flag - I always have to call or email him first. He doesn't. He's single and slightly busy but will promptly respond. Said he's interested in me and likes to hang with me but I think it won't get any further than that due to lack of initiative on his part.

Well that's pretty much the sum of things now. Kept to myself and loving it. Been dieting and exercising and changing eating habits so I've shed some of the weight I gained during the apartment complex fire trauma. If none of you remember I was a victim of a fire, I don't blame ya. It was almost two years ago. I lost 35 pounds before the fire made us all homeless. Soon as it happened I thought "why did he do that? if he set his apartment on fire he knew, had to know, he would be trying to kill us all" but since he was on drugs, I'm sure he didn't put the two together or didn't bother to really care about not being able to. So I piled on he 35 plus and additional 25 pounds and at one brief point was a size 18. I'm back towards a 14 now and not sure if I'll be heading to 12, I'm heavily considering it only to not go lower since I'm signed with two agencies. My marketing ploy to get signed was that they lacked a plus size model who they could supply for the increasing demand of plus models in the community. It worked but work is still a bit slow. Once my money is in order, I'm sure that will all go away.

And yep, that's all folks!

In the space that started it all
Well, I'm here on livejournal after being around so many people on facebook and twitter and being so known, I'm here being able to speak my mind without a bunch of uberpositive folks cramming things down my throat.

Well, I am alone. I have nobody and the guys who persue me are losers seen from miles away, either that or total fucking children. No offense, I may have felt offended when I was 20 or 19 but then again I never tried to talk to anyone older than 2 years my age, let alone 8 or 9. And they just want a thrill anyway. I feel like an old goose because i've been there and done that, don't want to anymore. I'm not your mother or your old plaything. It's just kinda making me sick.

Then there of course are the older guys. It hasn't been happening lately, I guess because I am perceived as being younger than my age. They are more strange than ever. I have a lot of guys on my fb block list, myspace too.

I'm just sick of guys at this point. While I want to be with someone I really have no patience for indecisive dudes. These highly visual creatures just don't know how agravating it is to deal with them.

I'm not saying I'm gonna start being into girls either. Girls are just as nerve wrecking, if not more, than guys. Plus they get periods, yuck, I can't stand my damn self on a period, let alone another unstable creature.

I try to keep an open heart in Detroit but let's face it: the good ones are taken, the damaged ones are left. The cubbords of available great catches are pretty bare. It's not a shortage country wide, I know there are excellent guys in other states or maybe even cities other than the detroit metro area, but here is ground zero of poverty and babies daddies and psychos.

While I don't want to be lonely, I'd rather be without a new psycho in my life.


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